Today kind of sucked.
Those of you who know me in real life know I’ve been blowing off this whole miscarriage thing. I act like it’s no big deal, but the truth is, I’ve been trying to avoid the inevitable break down. I wasn’t really pregnant long enough to have expectations, but the hopelessness of the whole situation is really starting to kick in. I know I’ve probably come off as callous lately, but it’s easier to put on this tough facade rather than admit that I feel completely drained and frankly, devastated with where my life is.
Anyways, one of the guys at work, M, said he read something on my blog. I never publish anything up here that would get me in trouble, but I am more open here than I am at work. I intentionally don’t publicize my bog or my Twitter on Facebook because I don’t want people in the real world to find it any sooner than necessary. It’s freeing to know it’s just me, internet friends, and my MIT buddies, who already know all my deep dark secrets, because I can’t shut the heck up on the trails.
Anywhoodle, I freaked out thinking he knew about my blog. Turns out he doesn’t, that’s just a phrase he likes to say, but all the guys started looking for my blog. Well, A, a different guy I work with led the charge while I kept telling him he didn’t want to read it (they know nothing about my infertility or miscarriage or anything else that personal). Finally, I started crying and told A about the miscarriage. Floodgates opened. At least he was super understanding and promised to distract M from the search. I don’t know why I care. I’m smart enough to know that there is no such thing as anonymity on the entirenetz.
So, now what? I have no idea how to make this better. Talking doesn’t help. Crying just leads to more crying. Clomid still scares the poo out of me. The comfort eating is just making me feel sick. What makes you feel better when the situation is spiraling out of control?
5 miles this morning took my mind off of it all a little, but my problems are still waiting for me once I get off the trail. I need to release them on the trail and leave them free to the universe. Do I need counseling? I loved my last counselor, but I cannot fit in to her schedule with my new work hours.
In other news, I got active release therapy for the first time today on my hip. It hurt like Hades. The doctor digs in to the sore points in my muscles and has me move my joint. No bueno. It hurt to sit all day, but I am walking more easily, so yay for that. I’m also taking a 9 day course of Prednisone to calm the inflammation because my race is too soon to screw around. I love that hottie Boston doctor totally understands the need for aggressive treatment despite my lack of being a competitive career athlete.
Anyone else ever had ART done? Does it ever start to hurt less?
In other news, I need to get this article done for work and Prednisone makes me awfully stupid, so there may be radio silence for a few days while I desperately attempt to get my crud together. Any advice for concentrating on work that you hate when all you want to do is sleep and cry?
Tell me, dear readers, how do you get past a suck
day week? What do you find comforting?