I promise to get back to being funny tomorrow

Today kind of sucked.

Those of you who know me in real life know I’ve been blowing off this whole miscarriage thing.  I act like it’s no big deal, but the truth is, I’ve been trying to avoid the inevitable break down.  I wasn’t really pregnant long enough to have expectations, but the hopelessness of the whole situation is really starting to kick in.  I know I’ve probably come off as callous lately, but it’s easier to put on this tough facade rather than admit that I feel completely drained and frankly, devastated with where my life is.

Anyways, one of the guys at work, M, said he read something on my blog.  I never publish anything up here that would get me in trouble, but I am more open here than I am at work.  I intentionally don’t publicize my bog or my Twitter on Facebook because I don’t want people in the real world to find it any sooner than necessary.  It’s freeing to know it’s just me, internet friends, and my MIT buddies, who already know all my deep dark secrets, because I can’t shut the heck up on the trails.

Anywhoodle, I freaked out thinking he knew about my blog.  Turns out he doesn’t, that’s just a phrase he likes to say, but all the guys started looking for my blog.  Well, A, a different guy I work with led the charge while I kept telling him he didn’t want to read it (they know nothing about my infertility or miscarriage or anything else that personal).  Finally, I started crying and told A about the miscarriage.  Floodgates opened.  At least he was super understanding and promised to distract M from the search.  I don’t know why I care.  I’m smart enough to know that there is no such thing as anonymity on the entirenetz.

So, now what?  I have no idea how to make this better.  Talking doesn’t help.  Crying just leads to more crying.  Clomid still scares the poo out of me.  The comfort eating is just making me feel sick.  What makes you feel better when the situation is spiraling out of control?

5 miles this morning took my mind off of it all a little, but my problems are still waiting for me once I get off the trail.  I need to release them on the trail and leave them free to the universe.  Do I need counseling?  I loved my last counselor, but I cannot fit in to her schedule with my new work hours.

In other news, I got active release therapy for the first time today on my hip.  It hurt like Hades.  The doctor digs in to the sore points in my muscles and has me move my joint.  No bueno.  It hurt to sit all day, but I am walking more easily, so yay for that.  I’m also taking a 9 day course of Prednisone to calm the inflammation because my race is too soon to screw around.  I love that hottie Boston doctor totally understands the need for aggressive treatment despite my lack of being a competitive career athlete.

Anyone else ever had ART done?  Does it ever start to hurt less?

In other news, I need to get this article done for work and Prednisone makes me awfully stupid, so there may be radio silence for a few days while I desperately attempt to get my crud together.  Any advice for concentrating on work that you hate when all you want to do is sleep and cry?

Tell me, dear readers, how do you get past a suck day week?  What do you find comforting?


About Sarah S @RunningOnWords

Married 20-something in flux and trying to cope by running and occasionally crafting.
This entry was posted in Medical, Training, TTC. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to I promise to get back to being funny tomorrow

  1. Kara says:

    I don’t have any advice, just sympathy. If a DQ cupcake can’t help, then maybe counseling is the next step. 😦

  2. amy f. says:

    ***Hugs, Sarah!*** No real help here, just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. It’s okay to be sad and mourn your loss. I’m here for you if you ever want to talk more about it! Love ya!

  3. pawsitivelife says:

    OMG! I am so sorry about..well everything. I hope things turn around for the better. There are a few people that if they ever found out about my blog I would shut the whole thing down. So I really understand how you feel. Hope your week picks up 🙂

  4. Jenn says:

    Girl ((hugs)) there are no words of comfort. I had a missed miscarriage. there I sat, 12 weeks pg at an U/S to have the Tech tell me there is no heartbeat. FML….I didn’t know what to do or think. I went home cried; then moved on. It made me a psycho pg lady the next time. I hope this is a isolated incident and you get relief soon. If I said too much, I always do 🙂 ❤

  5. sending you hugs and love!! i wish we were real life friends, even though i would know all your blog secrets! hoping your weekend is much better than the suck week.

  6. AJS says:

    I found your blog in a totally random fashion. Your comment avatar looked familiar, and it is you, the former Little Sarah!

    You look and sound well, aside from your recent issues. I’m happy for you, you deserve continued success and contentment.

  7. amanda says:

    ((Hugs)) Any miscarriage is heartbreaking. I had one at 9 weeks and thought about the one I lost daily for 2 years. It’s been 4 years now and I don’t think about her quite as much and it’s not nearly as painful, but I still think about her. Time will eventually blunt the pain. Until then, talking about it with your husband may help. And running helps with the aggession too.

  8. I cry at work all the time but I’m a teacher so at least it’s more women than men around. I’m sorry you’re going through this! I hope work slows down a little so that you have some time to process and heal!

    On another note, I could have sworn I put you in to my Google Reader but apparently Google Reader failed me. It’s been corrected.

  9. Sara F says:

    Hugs and love to you! I am here for you always.

  10. Mandy says:

    Anytime hopelessness kicks it – it’s only natural to want to cry and/or throw things. I think you are more than entitled to be upset by the situation. Don’t forget to lean on your crazy MIT buddies when you need to. You’re too awesome of a person for us not to be there when/if you need it. 😉

  11. Sara says:

    Reading your blog is comforting to me this morning. I am soo soo sorry you are going through so much pain. Everything seems to hurt right now. Thank you for being my friend – let’s you and me go for a run together sometime soon. I missed you Saturday for sure! Here is a big hug from me until we see each other!!

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