We will return to our regularly scheduled programming shortly

Sorry y’all, this is gonna be another mopey TTC post.  I can’t really run for another 1.5 weeks, but I do plan to return with some running related awesomeness tomorrow.  I won’t be offended if you skip this.

Yesterday we got some bad news.  It sounds like my progesterone is too low and I either don’t ovulate (what the doctor thinks, but I don’t agree since my number is still high enough to indicate luteal phase) or I just don’t have enough to sustain a pregnancy (what the literature and past experience seems to suggest).  So now what?  The doctor says Clomid, but I don’t see a point if my progesterone is too low and I don’t see how getting pregnant and miscarrying multiples will help.  Call me crazy.

I guess it’s time for a second opinion.  The fertility specialist wants $250 just to look at my medical records.  I can’t justify spending that kind of money while K is unemployed.  And I keep wondering how much money we spend on fertility treatments if we will need mega cash to adopt.

The worst part (and this is between me and the internetz, don’t go telling my mom) is I’m not even sure I want to be pregnant.  I’m torn between loving my freedom and being able to push my body and my biological desire for a rugrat.  If I get pregnant, that means no more running for a while.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I could wait another few years, but I can’t help feeling like the clock is ticking since I’m 25 and already infertile.  I somehow doubt hitting 30 is going to make things better.

Anyone out there adopted or considering adopting?  My husband and I go back and forth on the subject.  We want a baby, but we can’t decide how important it is that is be our genetic baby.  I have this horrible fear that my adopted kid will hate me (which is stupid because my biological kid could hate me too).  I also worry we will wait 15 years to get a kid.

So, what should I do now?  Second opinion?  Suck it up and take the Clomid?  I’m getting a stress rash all over my jawline, so maybe it is time to take a breather.  Part of me wants to stop trying until after the C-bus half so I can focus on my training and actually have a good race.  And at that point, we should know if husband has passed the bar (and we’ll decide if he’s going to keep looking for a job or start his own practice) and what quarter I should be graduating.  Is losing 6 more months of my fertile years a big deal?

Ok, please tell me about your workouts today!  I need something to distract me from the crippling depression caused by lack of endorphins.  MUST GET EXERCISE!  I’m honestly just swamped this week (we leave for DC Friday bright and early), so I wouldn’t have time to cross-train even if I had time to drive to and from a gym.

ONE LAST THING!  Janae, e-mail me at scs1114[at]gmail[dot]com to claim your prize by noon tomorrow or I will have to pick a new winner.  Thanks!

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About Sarah S @RunningOnWords

Married 20-something in flux and trying to cope by running and occasionally crafting.
This entry was posted in Family, TTC. Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to We will return to our regularly scheduled programming shortly

  1. Wow, it sounds like you are putting too much pressure on yourself. 25 is YOUNG. You have plenty of time. Don’t things like this always happen when you don’t expect it? Hopefully if you stop stressing, it will happen. Also, if you have ANY doubts whatsoever, you should wait. Enjoy your race, and then reevaluate. 🙂 I mean, sheesh, I’m going to be 35 in one month and I still think I have plenty of time to have kids. < —- may be delusional

  2. Deb says:

    ))))HUGS!!!!((((

  3. RunnerMoose says:

    …and I agree with the comment above – 25 IS relatively young, or at least young enough that you can put off any decision until the fall without too much worry!!

  4. Erin says:

    Well being that I was once one of those people who wanted to wait to have kids (I was 31 when I gave birth and he is 10 months old now) I cannot tell you how great kids are because you have to experience it for yourself.

    My husband and I had been married 6 years before we decided to have a baby and then it happened fast (don’t hate me). I have had friends who have done the fertility treatments and never got pregnant then adopted and are extremely happy. My husband works in a facility that helps house kids/infants out of homes that are horrible so unfortunately there are a great many people who get to create children and never have to take care of them.

    I would take a really good look at your life and if you want a baby. It isn’t something that should be handled lightly. You are 25 and are having issues but it sounds like you are on the fence anyway so why do the treatments??? Your husband is unemployed and then wants to pass the bar so what is going to happen with that. Sounds like so many unknowns, just take your time, you aren’t going to be any more infertile in 6 months like you said.

  5. amy f. says:

    Hey there, lady! My vote would be to stop TTC and focus on training for the Cbus half. 5 months is not a long time and I promise your biological clock will continue to tick tock!
    Anywhoodle, sometimes when you’re not stressing about it, it happens!
    Have a safe trip!
    A

  6. Yikes, what a tough situation to be in. 😦 I think you are rather young so if you’re thinking you’d like to wait, you can still wait. So much can change within the next year, you know?

  7. Abby says:

    Oy, I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with all this.

    I agree, 25 is definitely young, but I also understand why you’re stressing about it. If and when you decide it’s time to make some concrete decisions about the adoption question, my husband was adopted (under pretty complicated circumstances), and I have some friends that are trying to adopt right now (a fair bit older than me – I’m 29 – and have tried for a long time to have a kid without success). The wife recently told me that you have to be married for three years before you can apply for adoption. Don’t know where that puts you guys, but I thought I’d mention it.

  8. oh man. I completely agree with Eat Watch Run. 25 is YOUNG and if you’re questioning your choice, it probably is time for a breather. Hugs for you!

  9. pawsitivelife says:

    Wow, Im 28 and I dont know if Im ready for kids yet my clock is ticking. My mom had trouble having me so I dont know if I will have trouble having kids. Kinda scared to find out. I would love to be preggers because I think its super awesome to incubate a human (science geek). Personally I would love to adopt, but my bf’s family is super against it. His mom gave up a baby at 16 and (has since found her) but now believes adoption is the devil. Looking at all the drama, scares me too!

  10. Jessica says:

    I’m new to your blog so I don’t know the back story here but my first impression is to agree with the other comments. 25 is young, you have plenty time. Let things settle down a bit with your careers, enjoy being young with limited reaponsibilities and have fun running the race! Keep your spirits up and remember that things always have a way of working out!

  11. Katy says:

    Oh girl. I was adopted by my Daddy (my mom is biological), and my baby bro is adopted all around. I say think really hard about it. I think adoption is WONDERFUL and is such an amazing thing, but you HAVE to know that you are capable of loving that child just as you would a biological one. Some people are, some people aren’t. I don’t think less of anyone who can’t, but they definitely should think of other options.

    I wouldn’t worry about your kids hating you, though. I can’t speak for all adopted children, but I know that the fact that my dad CHOSE to make me his, when he could have easily just stepped back as step-father really makes me respect him MORE. But, it is a very personal choice and decision. I say try taking the pressure off for a while, and give it some distance, and then come back to it refreshed. Kind of like running. Some times you have to take a break for your health. But that’s just my opinion.

  12. Hi Sarah, thanks for visiting my blog! I’m happy to have found yours too!
    I’m sorry for your troubles TTC. My very good friend went through something similar with low progesterone, rounds of Clomis, lack of ovulation, etc. She has 2 healthy children now. Have faith, sweet one!

    As far as RLRF, if you’re been running for a year, I’ve read it’s appropriate to try speedwork. that’s about how long I waited! Let me know if I can help at all. 🙂

  13. Clomid, not clomis. Sorry!

  14. Candice says:

    It’s time to stop thinking about it. You need a breather, and I don’t think six months will be the make or break in this situation. This is all just my two cents and probably isn’t even worth one cent, so you can just ignore it.

    I will say that being pregnant and giving birth was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I would give up running if I had to choose between the two (luckily I didn’t). However I also can’t imagine life without a child, biological or otherwise. There is just something about loving a child that brings things out in you that you never even knew were there.

    Good luck!!!!!!!

  15. Kara says:

    I have no first hand experience with this, but I trust that you’ll be able to make the right decision. 🙂

  16. I agree. It most certainly sounds like you are putting too much pressure on yourself and that is never good. If you aren’t sure you want to be pregnant-wait. Nothing bad can come out of it until you are truly figured out what you want.

  17. Sara says:

    Sarah – I’m 28 and sometimes feel like I am getting “too old” to have kids. People keep assuring me that I am not. I think 6 more months to train and reach your running goals is okay! Sometimes things happen for a reason and maybe not getting pregnant right NOW is OKAY. Maybe there is a greater plan at work here. I’m not in your situation, though, so I am sorry if this sounds like a bunch of crap, but it is what I am thinking!

    “I’m torn between loving my freedom and being able to push my body and my biological desire for a rugrat.” – Exactly my sentiments! Let me know if you figure that one out anytime soon!

    I don’t know if you know, but I am adopted. You said, “My husband and I go back and forth on the subject. We want a baby, but we can’t decide how important it is that is be our genetic baby. I have this horrible fear that my adopted kid will hate me (which is stupid because my biological kid could hate me too).” Please let me tell you, there was never even a question in my mind that my parents are my parents and nothing could change that. I never felt “adopted.” They were my parents and I was their daughter and that was all there was to it. In fact, I think I have a much more loving family than some people I know who have a biological family. This past summer I spent some time visiting Missouri and looking for the woman who gave birth to me. Big Mistake (ask me about it sometimes, we can chat) – it didn’t go so well. Yet, looking back, I realize it was NOT such a big mistake because what happened with her further confirmed that I was with the parents (and sister) I was meant to be with.

    You could always start the adoption process – which is long, my parents were in their early thirties when I was born – AND try to get pregnant, if you decide. A lot of time agencies do not ask for all of the money until a child is matched with you. It is a lot to think about, I am sure – take the next six months, achieve your running goals and see where life takes you!

    Hang in there and if you need something to take your mind off it, just think, you could be running Pittsburgh with me!

  18. i agree with the others who say 25 is quite young. i say focus on you. be healthy, run more, enjoy your “selfish” time. and yes, i want to adopt babies if we can financially. i love everything about adoption and want to learn more. i think it’s an amazing opportunity to share love!

  19. Mandy says:

    First off – BIG HUGS!

    I’m glad Sara wrote about her experiences with adoption. She was one of the first thoughts I had when I read your comment and I can’t imagine a more loving family than hers. 😉

    I know the stress and pressure we put on ourselves – and honestly girl, you are one of the coolest people I know and definitely do NOT need that stress right now. As you know, I’m pregnant with my first baby at 32. So, being 25 is okay – promise. You have time.

    Honestly, I think 6 months off to train and not think about it might be the best thing in the world for you and your hubby. That’ll give him time to pass the bar and think about his own practice, etc. You have so many stress triggers in your life right now – I think you deserve a little break.

    Of course – WHATEVER you do, I’ll support you and laugh at your jokes and pester you about good books to read, etc. 🙂

    And, until you make the decision – you’re more than welcome to be that crazy Aunt Sarah to my little bug!

  20. You should do some yoga! It always helps to relieve stress and relax! Sounds like you might need some of that. 😉

  21. Wow, I love that you are talking about fertility in your posts. Let me just tell you girl… you are NOT alone!!! I think these same thoughts in my head… want a baby… love my freedom… want a baby… don’t want to have to give up running/exercising/etc etc. I feel selfish sometimes but it’s just my honest feelings! I am dealing with infertility too and haven’t had much luck in the area… it’s been 2 years. I know, adopting a baby would be so much easier right?!?! Boys are so lucky they don’t have to deal with all the drama-rama that the girls do with the fertility garb. Yikes! Keep talking about it! I love hearing others experiences! Makes me feel more normal. 😉

    Way to go on your jeans falling off! Whether you can replace them or not, that always feels good! WoO!

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