Sorry y’all, this is gonna be another mopey TTC post. I can’t really run for another 1.5 weeks, but I do plan to return with some running related awesomeness tomorrow. I won’t be offended if you skip this.
Yesterday we got some bad news. It sounds like my progesterone is too low and I either don’t ovulate (what the doctor thinks, but I don’t agree since my number is still high enough to indicate luteal phase) or I just don’t have enough to sustain a pregnancy (what the literature and past experience seems to suggest). So now what? The doctor says Clomid, but I don’t see a point if my progesterone is too low and I don’t see how getting pregnant and miscarrying multiples will help. Call me crazy.
I guess it’s time for a second opinion. The fertility specialist wants $250 just to look at my medical records. I can’t justify spending that kind of money while K is unemployed. And I keep wondering how much money we spend on fertility treatments if we will need mega cash to adopt.
The worst part (and this is between me and the internetz, don’t go telling my mom) is I’m not even sure I want to be pregnant. I’m torn between loving my freedom and being able to push my body and my biological desire for a rugrat. If I get pregnant, that means no more running for a while. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I could wait another few years, but I can’t help feeling like the clock is ticking since I’m 25 and already infertile. I somehow doubt hitting 30 is going to make things better.
Anyone out there adopted or considering adopting? My husband and I go back and forth on the subject. We want a baby, but we can’t decide how important it is that is be our genetic baby. I have this horrible fear that my adopted kid will hate me (which is stupid because my biological kid could hate me too). I also worry we will wait 15 years to get a kid.
So, what should I do now? Second opinion? Suck it up and take the Clomid? I’m getting a stress rash all over my jawline, so maybe it is time to take a breather. Part of me wants to stop trying until after the C-bus half so I can focus on my training and actually have a good race. And at that point, we should know if husband has passed the bar (and we’ll decide if he’s going to keep looking for a job or start his own practice) and what quarter I should be graduating. Is losing 6 more months of my fertile years a big deal?
Ok, please tell me about your workouts today! I need something to distract me from the crippling depression caused by lack of endorphins. MUST GET EXERCISE! I’m honestly just swamped this week (we leave for DC Friday bright and early), so I wouldn’t have time to cross-train even if I had time to drive to and from a gym.
ONE LAST THING! Janae, e-mail me at scs1114[at]gmail[dot]com to claim your prize by noon tomorrow or I will have to pick a new winner. Thanks!