Wherein good news turns out to be devastating

If you guys want something a little more upbeat, go check out my guest post at Kate Sullivan Blogs from yesterday!  Kate is working on her healthy living journey and asked for some advice on how to get more consistent.  Make sure you leave her some encouragement!

Alright, guys, we finally had to tell our parents, so I’m going to tell you what most of you already figured out:

I’m pregnant.

Hang on, don’t stop reading here please, things are a lot more complicated than we thought.

So I went in to the doctor last Thursday (what we thought was the end of 5 weeks) for mild bleeding.  They drew an HCG level, had me schedule for another one in 48 hours and did an ultrasound.  The ultrasound only showed the gestational sac, which is behind for when I thought I ovulated, but the doctor said maybe my dates were off a little.  I didn’t leave with a good feeling, but I went on my 4 day bedrest and waited.

Yesterday she called and told me while my HCG (the pregnancy hormone) is rising, it is no where near doubling.  My Chinese doctor says she sees this a lot in her infertility patients and to relax.  The Western doctor also told me she doesn’t expect to see anything on the follow-up ultrasound tomorrow.  Meaning that if the ultrasound looks the same they will want to do either a D&C or give me a pill to make me abort.

These options suck especially since being the clever blogger I am, I googled it.  According to a lot of web sites, HCG levels don’t necessarily double in 48 hours, especially as they get higher (and mine are appropriate).  There are also a lot of cases of misdiagnosed miscarriage in women with uterine abnormalities.  Normally, I wouldn’t think of myself as special, but during the ultrasound they also found that my uterus is most likely bicornuate (heart shaped), which has been indicated in making it harder to see things on the ultrasound.  Also, this early can make it hard to see anything on the ultrasound.

So now I need to think through my options because if the doctor doesn’t see what she wants to tomorrow then the pressure to get an abortion (is it an abortion in this case?) on the spot will be quite high.  We spent 14 months trying for this baby (and frankly had given up all hope after 12 months and the same doctor telling us I don’t ovulate).  I feel like I owe this pregnancy the opportunity to miscarry on its own just in case, but the idea of waiting is making me crazy.

And truthfully, I’m not feeling super positive about the whole thing.  The problem is that I’m so easily influenced by what people tell me that it kills any gut feeling other women say they have about these things.  I just don’t know what to do and this helpless feeling is killing me.  And everyone keeps saying G-d doesn’t throw things at us that we can’t handle, but honestly, I am past the point of what I can deal with.  Way past.

And I got all this news the same day I developed morning sickness.  I feel like my life is some kind of cosmic joke at this point.  I hope you understand why I haven’t really been blogging or commenting lately.  Because this is really the culmination of two weeks of life dumping shit on us and frankly, I don’t know how much more I can take.

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About Sarah S @RunningOnWords

Married 20-something in flux and trying to cope by running and occasionally crafting.
This entry was posted in Blogging, Pregnancy, TTC. Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Wherein good news turns out to be devastating

  1. Kate says:

    I just want to hug you. And then sit on your bed and watch crappy tv shows or maybe do coloring books.

  2. Kara says:

    I was told that the more morning sickness you feel, the stronger your pregnancy, since it means your pregnancy hormone levels are nice and high.

    I’m sorry that you have so much uncertainty, but trust your gut and don’t let doctors talk you into anything. I had a friend who went for a check up and was told the baby was dead (no heart beat). She didn’t get the D&C that day because her husband wasn’t there. She went back the next day and it was a different doctor and he double checked the heart beat and the baby was 100% fine, alive and kicking.

    Also, ginger altoids are great for morning sickness.

  3. I’m thinking about you constantly and I love you too. That is all, my friend.

  4. Holly says:

    I’m sorry to hear about the stress this is causing you.

    Take it a day at the time and if you are the sort, pray about it.

    If you have been trying for a baby and wanting a baby, hold hope that this will turn around. Give it time.

  5. Shannon says:

    If it were me and we’re being totally honest on what we’d do here….

    I’d wait it out. Therefore, there’s no what if’s. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years now and if I was in your shoes – I’d honestly just wait it out and see what your body does. If your doctor doesn’t like that, then just try to talk to her/him about it. It’s your body and if there is a chance that this pregnancy could go on without any issues – then I’d take that chance.

  6. Mandy says:

    I’m going with you tomorrow. You know this. I hereby promise to counteract ANY undue pressure crappy doctors put on you. End of story.

    Life sucks sometimes. We both know this. This whole life is fair and only as much as you can handle nonsense is just that…nonsense. Nonetheless, I will torture you with Angry Avery and get you through this. PROMISE. Whatever comes. Love you.

    But, a doctor will pressure you into an abortion over my dead body. Besides, Angry Avery is quite formidable – maybe we’ll sic her on the doctor!

  7. Christina says:

    I am so sorry you’re going through this right now. You’ll be in my thoughts.

  8. I admire that you want to give the pregnancy time to do its own thing. It’s obviously hard, but I think ending it early is just… ending it early. I’m a pray-er, and I’m praying for you.

  9. Megan says:

    First of all, thanks for the comment. Secondly, I’m praying for you, and I absolutely believe that God won’t give you anything you can’t handle. Let me know if I can do anything!

  10. Kim says:

    ((HUGS)) Sarah! I am keeping you in my thoughts & prayers. Is there a way you can get a second opinion from another OB/GYN if your dr does suggest you do the D & C or take the abortion pill?

    Many, many ((HUGS))

    Kim

  11. I love you. I’m so sorry all of this is happening. I agree with Mandy….life can just be so terribly hard and unfair. I wish it were not and I wish I could help somehow. Please tell me if there is anything I can do for you, my friend. I’m glad Mandy is going with you.

    Trust your gut feeling. Always trust your gut.

    Love you and you are heavy on my mind now and in the coming days. You know where to find me if you need something, anytime.

  12. Pahla says:

    I’m just going to jump in here with a “Congratulations!” I’m on board with your Chinese doctor and the other commenters – let your body do what it’s going to do (which I really, really, really hope is: keep making this baby). Don’t let the silly western doc talk you into anything you’re not 100% okay with. I’ll keep my fingers and toes crossed for good news for you!

  13. Oh honey I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. I’m kinda surprised that your doctor is already doing an ultrasound as mine said they can’t see anything until about 8 weeks. I bled a little with my girl and it’s scary as heck but it happens sometimes. I think you should heed the advise of your Chinese doctor and sit back, try to relax, and wait. And even you said the dates might be off… I think we are all in agreement, just wait a little longer.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  14. Sorry to hear you’re going through all this. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and I hope everything works out. It’s got to eventually, right?

  15. Army Amy says:

    Oh man. That sounds really rough. I hate that you (or anyone else!) have to go through this. I have no advice or words of wisdom, but I want to let you know that you aren’t alone. Hang in there.*

  16. JenWa098 says:

    I will be thinking of you more than you can know. I will be hoping and praying for the best for you. I wish I could email you my story, I don’t feel comfortable writing about it here.

    Remember, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and you can wait to make decisions. The doctor isn’t in charge, YOU are…So if you need to think about things, then do it. And while I won’t go into it here, there are many things you can survive, but that doesn’t make it any less shitty, or painful. I also have an online support group I found helpful, if you need it let me know by emailing devaney2007@peoplepc.com
    ~Jen

  17. emily says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I really really hope the doctor is wrong and it turns out everything is OK. Definitely trust your gut! I know nothing about pregnancy so unfortunately I can’t offer any advice, but I have every body part that can possibly be crossed, crossed for you!!

  18. Abby says:

    Oh, Sarah… I’m so sorry that it’s turned out this way – I know how much you’ve been wanting to get pregnant. Thinking about you and hoping that there’s another alternative.

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