We have a pants situation.
On Wednesday I fit quite comfortably into a pair of 14s at Old Navy. By Thursday night wearing them put weird pressure over my uterus. It was really, really uncomfortable. The problem is my 16s are falling off still.
Awkward and tremendously embarrassing solution?
It’s not that I actually need maternity pants, it’s that I’m between sizes and wearing tight pants really hurts (and makes me nervous for the baby). Maternity pants have a big elastic panel so they aren’t pressing on my abdomen and they stay up. It’s actually almost like not wearing pants at all (and you all know how I feel about wearing pants). Can’t wait for Thanksgiving dinner in these bad boys!
Anywhoodle, the maternity store made me try on the pants with a 7 month baby bump. Did not like. I have some body image issues (obviously), and just felt really unattractive and ridiculous. I am so, so thankful for this pregnancy, but I’m really struggling with going from trying to lose weight to feeling bloated and expecting a massive gain in girth. I need to get my mind set in a new way and it’s very hard to wake up one morning and do that. And I can tell I’m still in the dieting mindset because I’m having trouble forcing myself to eat “unhealthy” food even when it’s all I can keep down. I feel guilty about my eating and I shouldn’t because it isn’t about me or my waistline anymore.
I should probably confess here that I’ve struggled with disordered eating since puberty. My veganism in college was really just way to mask not eating. I do not and never have had a healthy relationship with food, my body has never been good enough for me (even as a size 5), and while I can logically see the problems with all of this, I can’t quite figure out how to fix it. Somehow I was better able to accept myself at this size, but dieting for the past few months made me hate my body again. As I lost weight, I became more and more dissatisfied with how I looked. And it never occurred to me that I was walking that scary line between healthy living and disordered eating. This is a problem I should have acknowledged and dealt with before getting pregnant, but I don’t think I realized how bad my thinking had gotten until I actually sat down to write this.
Well, that wasn’t where I thought this post was going. Anyways, I think I probably need to get back in to therapy, but my crap insurance isn’t going to allow for that. Apparently if I have an obstetrician appointment the same day as another appointment they will only pay for one of them. Umm, glad to know I can never see another doctor during this pregnancy in case of another emergency visit to the OB. That sounds totally reasonable insurance company.
Oops, still angry, sorry about that. Back on topic, most of my baby related growth has been up top. You probably can’t tell in the picture, but I needed an F cup at 4 weeks. Now I need a G, which isn’t even stocked at our local maternity store. Any suggestions on finding good bras in large sizes? I won’t be sad if they are nursing bras since I may be able to use them at that point. Anyways, while my breasts may soon be able to break off and become their own country, they do make me feel pregnant, which is tremendously exciting.
Do you like your body? I feel like most women are never satisfied, which is sad. I also feel like I am a tremendous asshole for worrying about how I look when I’m lucky enough to even be pregnant, but I also feel like I’m probably not the only pregnant woman to struggle with pre-existing body image problems. I think once I actually look pregnant and don’t just have cotton strapped on my waist I’ll feel a lot better.
In the mean time, I’m going to focus on making sure the little tadpole is getting enough to eat because it really stopped being about me all the time weeks ago. I think I need to give myself permission to not worry about how I look and love my body for supporting a baby, because that’s really a lot more special than a lot of people ever seem to realize. And truthfully, writing about it makes it so much easier to release the bad feelings and move on to more important things like sleeping.
But, umm, maternity pants really are THAT comfortable. It’s the second best thing to not wearing pants at all.