Sometimes getting real turns in to word vomit

It is really disheartening to hear the entire city talking about the marathon this weekend.

Yes, I have a great reason for taking a DNS on the half and I’m excited about it, but when your hormones are crazy and solid food hasn’t agreed with you in a week it’s easy to lose perspective.  I’ve realized I spend an awful lot of time whining about how awful I feel and it’s really unbecoming.  Frankly, I’m more than a little disappointed in myself and I’m surprised my infertility blogger friends still want to talk to me.

I guess I thought pregnancy would be this instantly life changing, super incredible experience filled with sunshine and unicorns.  Turns out it’s mostly me trying to hide how much time I spend with my head in a toilet and the fact that none of my clothes fit.  I don’t think pregnancy will really be real to me until I feel the baby move and that’s a pretty long way off.

The thing is, when you want something for so long and give up all hope, it’s kind of hard to believe it’s happening to you.  Especially when it’s something so intangible.  Sure, I throw up every morning, but after that I spend all day double checking for blood because it feels too good to be true.  And I have a small anxiety attack every time I tell someone because I’m so afraid it will all go horribly south.

Does this ever pass?  Is this normal or is this a “I’m borderline insane and was told I couldn’t have kids” thing?

In other news, we are working our way through the old wives tales on gender.  I’m hoping to post those in a week and they are definitely almost all pointing in one direction so far.

In good, not crazy person news, husband was invited for a second interview at his “dream job” with an estate planning firm near the city (yeah, I don’t know how that’s anyone’s dream job, but I love him even if he likes things that are boring.  The man did just read Moby Dick for fun).  If this pans out we can buy our “baby” car, start looking at houses (we’ll move to a new suburb closer to the office), and finally relax about the fact that his student loans are due to start repayment in December.  And yes, I know I should stop planning my life around a job he hasn’t been offered yet, but I’m ridiculous.

The thing is, him getting a job is the only thing missing from our perfect life plan.  Yes, I still hate my job, but I graduate in June, so I can suffer through a little longer.  It just all feels too perfect and I am not an optimist, so I keep waiting for something to go horribly wrong (crap, we get bar results in 2 weeks).

I miss my therapist.  Too bad when I switched labs I no longer had time to see her.

I also miss running.  It let me air out all my crazy.

Anyone else always waiting for the other shoe to drop?  What’s the best thing to happen to you recently?  How do you remember to be thankful for the good things in your life?

Most importantly though, good luck to Kari, Kara, and Alyssa in their marathons tomorrow!  You guys are gonna rock it!

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About Sarah S @RunningOnWords

Married 20-something in flux and trying to cope by running and occasionally crafting.
This entry was posted in Confessions, Marriage, Pregnancy. Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Sometimes getting real turns in to word vomit

  1. Alyssa says:

    Haha, I’m on Alyssa’s computer.

    I LOVED THIS POST. I HEARD YOU LIKE ALL CAPS.

    Bet you can’t guess who the real commenter is here.

  2. Emily says:

    Are you able to do other physical activities to de-stress without hurting the baby, Like walking or cycling or even yoga? I’d be in a straight jacket by now if I couldn’t do anything to get rid of my crazies.

    I’m good at waiting for something bad to happen, but it’s such a waste of life. I normally listen to my gut feeling. I also plan all sorts of crazy things in my head that may or may not ever pan out. I just tell myself it’s good to have dreams rather than recognizing how insane I am.

  3. AJ says:

    I kind of always feel like I’m waiting on the other shoe to drop. I would go into further detail, but then we’d both likely need a therapist. Let’s just leave it at, “I feel ya.” 🙂

    And as far as the pregnancy goes, I’d say everything you’re feeling is absolutely normal. If you’ve struggled with infertility I’m sure it’s amplified things, but everything else you’re mentioning and worrying about sounds pretty common. The hormones will even out a bit and you will hopefully start feeling better further into pregnancy.

    For me, it did make it easier to “believe” I was pregnant when I started feeling the baby. But it didn’t get any less surreal. He’s been out in the world for 13 months now and it still feels surreal. My husband and I both look at each other frequently with something like, “Look, there’s a baby walking around here. And he’s like, ours. We totally made him.”

    I also felt shafted a bit with the whole unicorns and rainbows thing – for the most part I had an easy-breezy pregnancy and shouldn’t breathe a word of complaint. But the lustrous, thick, flowing hair? Great, dewey, hormone-flushed skin? All these glowy pregnant lady things I was supposed to get? Man. My hair was like straw and my skin was like a desert wasteland. And it was SO. ITCHY. ALL. OVER. But everything else was great and I’ll shut up now.

    Like my mom always says, “It gets better. It doesn’t always get easier, but it gets better.” 🙂

  4. aprilvak says:

    It seems like all of my blogging buddies are on the same page today, or at least the same chapter.

    I don’t know how to say this and be sure you won’t take it the wrong way, but here it is. You whining makes me feel better about me whining, so keep whining!!

    You are so having a girl.

    What’s wrong with reading Moby Dick for fun? When the kid was starting to slow down toward naptime the other day, I read her some of The Island of Dr Moreau. Gotta learn to appreciate the classics early.

    You know my good and bad is the same thing right now. But what’s better? We SHOULD all be going to the lawyer’s office next week.

  5. It’s got to be hard, going through the crap when all you wanted was this pregnancy. And now that you have it, it’s really… well, hard. I haven’t had the experience, but I feel for ya. Hold out… when you DO feel that baby movin’ it’s gonna be AWESOME.

  6. Army Amy says:

    Moby Dick = torture, not fun. Best of luck to your hubs on the job front!*

  7. Grace says:

    I absolutely hated being pregnant. I had a “easy” pregnancy (wasn’t even that nauseous after the first trimester), but the reality is, being pregnant puts tremendous stress on your body. This means any problems you had before get worse (a bad back, heartburn, bad skin, etc.) and also you develop some new ones (some of which don’t go away for months/ever). I never felt any of those positive pregnancy things you are supposed to feel, even after the baby was moving (I thought it was strange and sometimes uncomfortable, but it didn’t make me feel all lovey dovey).

    The good news is, I absolutely love being a mother and would go through it all again in a minute for the prize at the end. Pregnancy is just the blink of an eye in the context of the lifelong relationship, so even if you never like it, it will be over soon and you can focus on the really important thing: your darling baby!

  8. Kim says:

    ((HUGS)) Sarah! I was in the same boat last fall (with not being allowed to run). It was hard to hear about everyone out there running. You have an amazing reason, though, I just had a piddly stress fracture. ;

    Wishing your hubs the best of luck with his job interview!

  9. In response to your post on my blog (do you have Twitter? I could respond there… or I could just go look), the audio book isn’t creepy, but it’s BORING. I mean, the book is awesome, but I love reading so much more. I always find myself wishing I were reading it.

  10. Mandy says:

    Aw. Your whining and feelings are completely normal hormonal responses. I feel you on the marathon…and I understand the missing running thing.

    If it helps – Thursday night I was dreaming about putting Avery outside in the rain. Oh wait, that doesn’t help does it?

    You’re more than welcome to come get your crazy out with me any time…for the record. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for Keith!

  11. Raquelita says:

    If it’s any consolation, I also DNS’ed a marathon this month. And it was because I was stupid and let an IT band injury get out of control. Your reason seems a lot better than mine.

    Fingers crossed for your spouse.

  12. Will walking make you feel better at all?

    All of my friends are running the Detroit Marathon/Half tomorrow…and I am not. Ugh, I hate it.

  13. “And yes, I know I should stop planning my life around a job he hasn’t been offered yet, but I’m ridiculous.”

    This is so me. Husband is finishing his research/defending his thesis soon…current estimate is probably in about 3 months. Though this number fluctuates when his special science machine breaks. He has started with job interviews and I’m sure there will be a lot more of that in the next month or so. It’s not likely going to be anywhere near where we are now. Not knowing what’s next makes me super anxious.

  14. Abby says:

    This is a great post. I’ve got nothing to offer on the pregnancy, but this idea of feeling like there’s something ominous waiting in the wings? That I’ve definitely experienced. I hope the job comes through and you guys are able to settle in and enjoy the pretty incredible life you’ve been able to put together for yourselves. You deserve it!

    I’m trying to find something I’ve written that explains adventure racing a little bit more. I’ll let you know what I come up with!

  15. Abby says:

    Here – this is a guest post I did several months back for Amanda over at Run to the Finish. It’s a bit of a primer, but let me know if I can answer any other questions!

    http://www.runtothefinish.com/2011/03/5-reasons-to-do-adventure-race.html

  16. I’m not tired of your complaining. You’re allowed to complain so long as you’re funny and you’re always funny. Plus, I feel like you’re being real about it. If you kept saying how it was unicorns and rainbows, I wouldn’t believe you.

    Best thing that’s happened to me recently was totally finishing the marathon 🙂

  17. michelle says:

    ((hugs)) and good luck to your husband! 🙂
    I’ve never been pregnant or wanted to be so I can’t relate to that but I can relate to the “waiting for the other show to drop” thing. I lived in that state for a long time and it was so stressful.

    There is a great book called, “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle and it’s really good. It teaches you how to live more in the present moment and not the future (which hasn’t happened yet). You might want to check it out if all of the worrying is causing anxiety or sadness. It totally helped me out with managing that feeling.

    **hugs**

  18. Awww….I totally sympathize. You did have me laughing at the Moby Dick remark.

    I saw this quote today, I think you might like it: Its not so much that you’re falling apart.. its just that things have not come together yet.

  19. Sam says:

    moby dick for fun?!?! regardless, i hope the hubs gets the job!

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