I have a secret that probably isn’t very secret.
I am not enjoying my pregnancy. At all.
I woke up Sunday feeling like I had swallowed a handful of nails. Monday I was gasping for air so hard in my sleep that it kept waking me up (my throat was massively swollen). Today I woke up with a migraine. I pretty obviously have a sinus infection that is somehow related to whatever bug was residing in my lungs on Friday and Saturday. The problem is, I’m pregnant and no one can tell me what I can actually do about it.
I love(d?) my doctor, but the nurse I’ve been dealing with from her office is an asshole. The woman told me to take class C drugs for my illness and diagnosed me with a sinus infection over the phone (that seems inappropriate to me) and told me to call my PCP for antibiotics. And she couldn’t actually tell me which combination of drugs to look for, just “Tylenol Cold and Flu” (which comes in multiple combinations last I checked). Umm, last I checked the OB handles all that stuff during pregnancy, but maybe I’m wrong? Also, if you got off your lazy butt and read my chart, you’d know I’m not supposed to take antibiotics unless absolutely necessary. And I just finished a round of them.
Then this morning I got in another argument with the nurse over my blood pressure. Yes, I do have diastolic pre-hypertension (please observe the pre part of that statement). In the morning’s my BP is higher, but at night I get readings like 118/87. The drugs the doctor mentioned to treat hypertension are all pregnancy class C (show birth defects in animals or have not been studied in animals) and have all given me hypotension in the past. The nurse also tried to tell me (incorrectly) how blood pressure medication works. Not to sound like a dick, but I’m finishing a PhD in Cardiovascular Physiology. I know when you are wrong and I checked with a cardiologist at work (I work in a hospital) just to make sure.
And maybe some of it is denial. I guess I feel like having blood pressure problems makes me a failure somehow. Because if I weren’t pregnant, that would be a lifestyle issue and the doctor kept trying to tell me I must have had problems before (I didn’t and I have medical records to prove it). I feel like hypertension says something about me as a person and my imagined failing to take care of my body. Which really isn’t how gestational hypertension works. And I certainly wouldn’t think that about other people, so why am I beating myself up over it?
So here’s the question I’m wrestling with. Do I get a new doctor? I do not feel comfortable with the nurse and her “advice,” but I’ve been through almost all the offices (at least one of them is only covered for gynecology and not obstetrics) on my current insurance. I want to feel like I’m working with my medical provider rather than spending stupid amounts of time on the phone with some nurse that is going to get sued sooner than later for her advice. And I want a physician who is listening to me, which I probably would have if I wasn’t stuck talking to Nurse Ratchet. Because even if the gestational hypertension is real, she’s still a nasty wench giving really unsafe advice and being intensely pushy about medication she can’t even legally prescribe.
And my next appointment isn’t for another two weeks. I have concerns about the quality of care now, which means two weeks is an awfully long time to be upset. And even if the doctor acknowledges the issues with the nurse, I doubt anything will be done.
Needless to say, with all this anxiety and worry how can I possibly focus on the fun things? I spend a lot of time worrying about what might be going wrong (between the uterus thing and the BP thing, that’s not unrealistic). I’m just not sure how to plan for a baby that I’m not sure will make it.
I probably need to stop getting on the high-risk pregnancy board. Yes, I am very high risk, especially considering my risk factors for preeclampsia and pre-term labor, but these groups just freak me out. Maybe it’s better to go in to some things blind? My husband is now convinced that I’m not going to live through labor and delivery (maybe I should have skipped explaining eclampsia). And actually, in thinking about it, maybe I will need to switch to the high-risk practice, which might not be such a bad thing for my sanity.
Anyways, I ordered a new BP cuff (mine spits out errors like crazy) that has specifically been studied in pregnancy and gestational hypertension. We’ll see what it says and then hopefully I can have a real, intelligent conversation with my physician in two weeks. And if I can’t, then maybe it is time to move on.
So, no, I am not able to enjoy my pregnancy. There’s too damn much wrong with me for me to relax and wonder in the “life growing inside me” and all that. I am so thankful for this baby, but I spend all my time worrying that something else is going to go wrong and that the baby won’t make it. This is not normal or healthy. A little worry, sure, but this constant all the time fear, not so much.
So, tell me the truth, am I just being hormonal? Were you a nervous pregnant lady (if you have been pregnant)? Did it ever get easier?