These are my confessions (I confess I have lost count of how many of these we are on)

1.  I have an incredibly filthy mouth.  I work pretty hard to keep it at least moderately clean on here (hi, parentals!), but in real life, I make sailors blush (it’s ok, I know you are judging me).  To be fair, my first words were “fuck you”, so I might have had a bad example somewhere early in life.  Also my father is a linguist, so I think bad language is a societal construct and any word can be a bad word, blah, blah, blah.  Yes, I have been working on cleaning up the language with the baby on the way, but I struggle.  I also make really inappropriate jokes a lot.  Have you guys already figured this out and I’m just delusional?

2.  I call everything small and female “Peanut” these days.  The dog, my fetus, my friend’s baby, etc.  It’s probably really annoying and I don’t know where it came from!  I also feel guilty about it whenever I read Kat‘s blog because her baby goes by Peanut.

3.  I used to have an anti-Semitic cat.  I’m only half Jewish, so he didn’t do anything to me, but he used to hiss at any Jew who came in the house and if they got too close, he’d bite them.  Weird cat.  He now lives with my mother-in-law in Texas/NW Iowa (she takes him back and forth), so he’s safe since no self-respecting Hebrew would live in those places.

Anti-semitic cat and cat that I hate with my fiance (well, now he's my husband) back in 2006. Yes, that is the ugliest kitchen known to man. No, I did not choose the paint colors.

4.  I think the Twilight books are just awful, but I’ve been to three of the four midnight premieres.  I know I’m going to get pilloried for this, but I really don’t want my daughter reading those books and thinking that the Edward-Bella-Jacob relationships are healthy.  That being said, I think I could design a brilliant drinking game around those movies, such as, “drink every time Robert Pattinson looks constipated”.  You’d be trashed in 10 minutes.

"Bella, you should know that I haven't pooped in 100 years." FYI, you would not believe the number of hits that comes up in Google Image Search for "Robert Pattinson constipated"

5.  I love cheesy historical fiction.  Most history majors get their panties in a bunch over the inaccuracies, but I cannot get enough Philippa Gregory.  I was stupid excited to read her latest book.  And I’m totally loving it, even though she always gets the details wrong and she makes up the craziest backstories for real people.

6.  I have not made it through a single pregnancy or parenting book.  I just don’t find most of what those books say that exciting.  The internet already tells me that my baby is drinking her own pee, so what else is there to know?  I’ve studied development in graduate school, so I already know how that works.  And, umm, I mean to read parenting books, but well, they are boring and I have ADHD.

7.  I absolutely lost my temper on a pregnancy message board (I think we all knew that was coming).  I told off some woman who said that people who are pro-vaccine haven’t done any research and just do whatever the doctor says.  I mean, seriously lady?  You are citing .coms and .nets and saying I haven’t done good research?  Wench.

8.  I have started using strange old-fashioned insults, especially when I’m driving.  I called a friend a slattern and keep calling other drivers jackanapes.  At least the baby won’t learns to call everyone a fuckstick (I’ve decided not to self edit this post as much as normal.  Sorry, mom).

9.  I hate feet.  Like a pathological disgust of feet.  I shadowed a neurologist for I think 6 weeks (I don’t remember anymore) and I was so disgusted by the amount of reflexes that were tested in the feet that I swore off neurology (and most of medicine) then and there.  I am fine with all the injury pictures in the world, but when people post pictures of their feet, I want to barf.  And the sound of bare feet rubbing on carpet makes my skin crawl and my teeth grind together.

Just say no to feet. Sidebar: I found this googling an image, but I may need to join this Facebook group on principle.

10.  I was in a fraternity (co-ed, professional Chemistry, but we actually pledged and did social stuff) in college and it gave me a great love for “your mom” jokes among other things.  The problem is that sometimes it is not appropriate to whip out a your mom (sorry, Mollie) and it actually isn’t that funny.  I also know an obscene number of Helen Keller jokes thanks to my big.

So, anyone else out there got a dirty mouth (and a dirty mind)?  Please tell me I’m not the only one who fixates on hating a part of the human body.  What’s your most embarrassing book (genre) that you love to read?  What’s your favorite obscure insult?

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About Sarah S @RunningOnWords

Married 20-something in flux and trying to cope by running and occasionally crafting.
This entry was posted in Books, Confessions. Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to These are my confessions (I confess I have lost count of how many of these we are on)

  1. When is Ohio going to stop being so far away from Virginia? We need to be BFFs right away. I have a really dirty mouth though I rarely showcase that side of myself cause I know I have so many Mormon readers. But I draw the line at Helen Keller jokes. I also don’t do dead baby jokes. I usually have no problem with racist jokes, however, so I definitely don’t think I’m an improvement over anything else. I do still make that’s what she said jokes even though they’re probably so far past being “in” it makes me look like a tool.

    I eat up the Anita Stansfield LDS romance novels like they’re oxygen. They are SO ridiculously over the top and cheesy that I skim through a lot of the “angst” parts and just skip to see the end but I also really like being able to read a whole book within one day or even a few hours (depending on the book).

  2. chelsea says:

    I swear. Everyone at work swears. My SO swears. it’s kind of funny – because when we do try to edit ourselves it’s like “OH FU…..DGE”. “SON OF A B…EAN”

  3. Army Amy says:

    I was just writing (in my mind) a post about the lack of fellow Jews in my Texas town! (A woman at the grocery store once told me, “we’re the only Jews in this town!” I refrained from telling her that I’m not Jewish, just my husband is.) But, they do exist. They just live in Dallas.*

  4. Holly says:

    LOL!

    One of my college roommates was paranoid about feet. Just hates them as well. I bought her some foot-cleaning wipes once for her birthday — to try to curb her paranoia. Haha!

  5. Kara says:

    I have a large-ish dog named Peanut who hates black people. Like, really hates them. She’s ok with Asians, but iffy about the hispanics.

    The only baby book worth your time is Happiest Baby on The Block. Or just watch the DVD.

    I tell my kid to “Quit yer bitching” every time she’s fake crying. I think it’s good for her.

  6. I am so happy to find someone else who feels the exact same way about feet! Ugh! I don’t think you are remotely out of line on this one at all. One of my friends had a barefoot wedding and not only was I not in it, I didn’t go because the guests were “shoes-optional.” Yeah, thanks, but no.

  7. Abby says:

    I once lived with a racist dog. Perhaps he would have been friends with your anti-semitic cat.

  8. Terzah says:

    So much good stuff to comment on here….
    1) I had a filthy mouth in my old life as a newspaper reporter and editor. I’ve cleaned it up since becoming a librarian, but stuff still slips out at work sometimes. I mean, I do work with the public.
    2) The husband and I are both LOL at the Pattinson-constipation connection. How about also having to drink every time Kristin Stewart looks like a startled gerbil?
    3) My maiden name is Ewing, so a relative of mine may have written Jackanapes. So proud!!
    4) Good for you for telling off the idiot on the message board.
    5) You are hilarious!

  9. TriGirl says:

    Oh let’s see. Where to start, where to start??
    1. I keep my posts clean because relatives and coworkers read them. But with my husband and our good friends I’m just crude and disturbing. If you’ve ever listened to a Kevin Smith podcast, pretend you’re listening to me…ok, I don’t talk quite like that, but I love his humour.
    2. I’m not really embarrassed about it, but I love irreverent books. Chris Moore writes the best ones.
    3. I am so not a fan of Twilight. I really don’t like Kristen Stewart’s “acting” “SKILLS” (I mean, c’mon!) I’m also not attracted to Robert Pattinson. At all. (I’m sure he’s a nice guy, though).
    4. Is ‘son of whore’ obscure? No? Then ‘muppet’. Cause it’s a talking frog/pig/dog, etc… in North America but not nice at all in Britain!
    5. I majored in Linguistics!

  10. Grace says:

    Have you read the Tintin books? One of the main characters Captain Haddock is constantly swearing and tossing insults around (being a sailor and all) but because they’re comic books, he says things like “Freshwater pirates! Pterodactyl! Blue blistering barnacles! Australopithecine!” So funny. Sounds like you are taking a leaf out of his book.

  11. Mandy says:

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading everyone else’s confessions in the comments here as well as your post. 😀

    Avery is almost 4 months old and I have yet to read a single parenting book other than the one Kara mentioned (and I read it BECAUSE she mentioned it before Avery was born). Avery still lives and breathes though – so I think you’re safe. (Although – when she decided 4am was morning time last night – it was a close call. LOL)

    SO are you saying I shouldn’t post my foot blisters again? HAHAHA!

  12. I freaking love these posts. I don’t really have a dirty mouth because I tend to just say whatever non-nonsensical words come to mind instead of an actual swear. I have issues.

    I love Phillipa Gregory and didn’t know she had a new book. I’m there!

  13. Seriously, I know a lot of people say it, but I hate feet too. So freaking nasty.

  14. You crack me up – seriously! People are probably wondering what is so funny – because there is NO funny at my job, you know.

    My father used to call me Peanut because I was so small. He calls Sadie Peanut now. That just makes me laugh.

  15. Sam says:

    your twilight comments had me snorting avocado out my nose. thanks for the laugh!!

  16. Okay. I do like Twilight but I do agree 1000% that it is the most unhealthy relationship EVER!

    And I, too, swear like a sailor.

  17. michelle says:

    Fuckstick- I like that. I have a very filthy mouth and mind. It’s going to be a problem when I come home for Christmas as the worst anyone says in my house is, “rats!” I don’t have any body aversions and I love trashy romance novels- the old ones, with the petticoats and bodice-ripping ridiculousness.

  18. i don’t like the twilight movies, but enjoyed the books…strange but true

  19. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row says:

    I love the Phillipa Gregory stories, too! I re-read “The Other Boelyn” like once a month for some bizarre reason.

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