I’d like to request a ceasefire.

Ladies, we need to end the “mommy wars”.

This article argues that they do not exist, but unfortunately, that has not been my experience.  I am constantly barraged with unsolicited “advice” or being told that one method of parenting is far superior to all others.

It continually blows my mind that we fight over such ridiculous things when it comes to what is best for our children.  I think in most cases we are all trying our hardest and to do what is best for our kids.  I also suspect that the nature of individuality means that “the best” isn’t the same for every single child.

Don’t judge me, but that stupid giraffe costs $25. And it is worth every penny considering how much the kid loves it.

Some examples?

Diapering: I am so sick of being judged by people (especially people who aren’t even parents) for cloth diapering.  Cloth diapering has been the right choice FOR US for a multitude of factors, including money and my baby’s skin.  I am not “cray-cray” or “making unnecessary work for [myself]” or “trying to be cool”.  At the same time, CD moms, could we try being a little less sanctimonious?  “Sposies” sounds derogatory and just because cloth diapering is right for us doesn’t mean that it’s right for everyone.  Disposable diapering moms love their kids just as much as CD moms and don’t need you to judge them for “exposing baby to chemicals” or “killing the planet”.

Breast feeding: Yes, there is scientific evidence suggesting that breast milk may be better for a normal baby than formula.  However, exclusively breast feeding is hard.  It’s not always possible and pointing out the statistics on milk supply and latch issues makes you kind of a putz.  Being a new mom is really quite difficult enough without feeling this tremendous pressure to breast feed (people are still pressuring me to force C to learn to latch).  And quit glaring at me for giving my baby a bottle.  First of all, it’s filled with breast milk and second of all, it’s none of your damn business.  And formula feeding moms, quit getting so defensive and saying that breast feeding is gross.  I don’t care what you feed your baby so stop acting like it’s something you have to defend.

The Time magazine mom: You guys, it’s her kid and her boobs, so why are we still talking about this?  Honestly, I’m tempted to pump for the rest of my life because I can eat whatever I want and still lose weight.  I do think Time should have titled that cover something other than “Are You Mom Enough?” because you are still a mom (and probably a great one) whether or not you breast feed.  I am mom enough because I am a mom and I am doing my best.

Birth: I am so sick of being made to feel ashamed of my c-section.  I refuse to say that I gave birth because I feel like it doesn’t count.  No more.  I let a doctor rip open my insides (without good anesthesia no less) because I love my daughter enough to want her to come out however she needed to.  No matter how you give birth (natural, interventions, c-section, etc), you did something amazing and terrifying and no one method is superior to the other.  There is no shame in epidurals and c-sections and it isn’t crazy to decide to labor medication free.  The point is a happy, healthy baby, not how they got here.

Circumcision: This is a hard one for me to comment on because I only have a daughter.  Even the American Pediatric Association seems unwilling to take a strong stand on this.  This is another situation where there isn’t a “right” or “wrong”.  Stop calling mommies that circumcise “mutilators” and stop saying that uncircumcised penises are ugly or will get boys teased.  It’s a flap of skin for crying out loud.

The number of kids and how far apart in age they are: I was absolutely horrified when someone confessed to me that she was suffering from secondary infertility (infertility that occurs after having a child) and that people regularly told her that her child needed a sibling.  What. the. hell? I’ve written about this a little recently, but I still can’t believe how many people think the only proper interval is how far apart their kids are.  This, to me, is one of the stupidest things I see women arguing about.  You cannot always control the age difference.  You might not get pregnant again at the speed you want (if at all) and only children are a valid lifestyle choice too.

SAHM versus Working mom: Look, being a SAHM isn’t an option for everyone.  Some people can’t for financial reasons and some people just don’t want to.  Personally, I can’t imagine being a working mom because I’m too tired to think straight.  Neither choice is wrong.  Neither choice makes you a bad mother.  And you aren’t betraying everything your mothers fought for if you stay home.  They fought for the choice.

I could go on and on, but I think the common thread on all of this stuff is that your decisions as a parent do not effect my child and are none of my business unless you child is clearly being neglected or abused (and then it’s not my business, it’s the state’s).  I will admit that I feel very strongly about vaccination, because unvaccinated children are a direct hazard to my child.  HOWEVER, there is no reason to fight about it.  I really get angry when anti-vaccine advocates tell me I am ignorant or uninformed for choosing to vaccinate.  I am using my knowledge (which includes a PhD in Biomedical Science) to make the right decisions for MY child.  You have to make your own choices and I’m not going to insult you or call you stupid, because we are all doing the best we can.

Yeah, I am judging me for putting her in that outfit. I blame my husband. Anyways, C’s icy death stare pretty well communicates how we feel about this mommy wars crap.

Seriously, enough of the mommy wars and crippling mommy guilt.  Now if you’ll excuse us, I’m going to go feed my child in the manner that best suits us.

I was recently informed that it is inappropriate to post pictures showing my baby’s “ta-tas”. Umm, you guys, she doesn’t have breasts yet. I can’t believe that is something worth arguing about to some people.


About Sarah S @RunningOnWords

Married 20-something in flux and trying to cope by running and occasionally crafting.
This entry was posted in Leapster, Parenting, Pregnancy. Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to I’d like to request a ceasefire.

  1. Kara says:

    I’m judging you for spending 25 bucks on a Sophie when I know I got mine for 16 bucks on Amazon.

  2. Holly says:

    Similar to the SAHM lines you should add in daycare vs another method. Recently a friend made a comment that she would “never allow her child to go to daycare” which I found kind of offensive as a blanket statement, even though I don’t have kids. Not everyone has that option to be so picky. If you don’t want daycare just keep it to yourself and have fun at home. Not everyone can do that — or quit their job like no biggie. #endrant

  3. Sarah says:

    Agreed! Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do as a parent, there will be someone jumping at the chance to criticise it. You can’t win!

  4. Army Amy says:

    Motherhood is dangerous ground. Parents and non-parents alike are lousy with opinions. After spending some time with my BFF and her three month old, I bow down to parents. However you can make it work and end up with a kid who is mostly normal is good by me!*

  5. TriGirl says:

    Ooo-ooo-ooo! I have so much to say!

    1. Start using disposables immediately. Use one of the 50 reasons given for why they are better and insert those words in my mouth.

    2. Get to breast-feeding *immediately*. I would like you to use formula to do it 🙂

    3. Well, the birth is hard to do over, so I may have to let that slide…this time. But next time (because you can’t have just one child of course), please have a home birth, or a hospital birth with an epidural that takes, or a water birth. Or all of the above together at the same time.

    4. No circumcision for C…I think you should go sit in the maternity ward though, so you can preach to parents of newborn boys that they should have one done. Then go to the next family and preach that they shouldn’t.

    5. Number of kids: You should have at 20.

    6. Better go back to work. Starting tomorrow. C can look after herself now…look how big she is! (The dogs can help too)

    Now, go do everything I said, then I’ll come back and tell you why you’re doing it all wrong.

    P.S. I am an expert in these sorts of things, because I have no children 😀

  6. Megan says:

    Amen sister! I totally agree and would just add in that I might judge people, but only in my head, never out loud, so that doesn’t count, right? 🙂

    And seriously? Not showing pictures of a baby girl’s chest is stupid. Everyone knows naked/only diaper wearing babies are adorable!

  7. single childless Sarah says:

    Totally love this post! On another note though… I get super frustrated when a mom asks this single childless me my opinion about raising children. I have EVERY right to say it doesn’t matter you need to so what is right for you… Just sayin…

  8. Jenn says:

    yay yay yay. I”m blessed to be surrounded by a sick group of moms. WE ROCK!!!

    I have one twin related. Sometimes they are spontaneous (err real). I didn’t ask for this shit, so when it looks like I”m over my head, I am.

  9. This is a great post! Thank you. I get on the babycenter birth group posts every now and again, and feel like -seriously?- It seems like the women are unsupportive, and rotten to each other. One mom has in her signature line, “If you want support- get a better bra.” Why is it that we can’t support each other in this GIANT team-effort that is motherhood?! I do believe moms are better, happier moms when they are surrounded by other moms who lift them up, encourage them, and validate them– whatever it is that they are doing, because yes, as you said- we are all doing the best we can! 🙂

  10. michelle says:

    I judge people who say “cray-cray.”
    You’re doing great and that giraffe is adorable!

  11. Terzah says:

    Excellent post! I admit I do call anti-vaccinators stupid. But other than that I agree with everything you said as a C-section-formula-AND-breast-milk-cloth-AND-disposable-diapering-part-time-working-secretly-gleeful-about-work-travel-non-circumsizing-the-male-one mom (left that latter decision up to my husband; I figured, he’s the one with the shared equipment).

  12. Laura says:

    You’re so right- the ‘mommy wars’ are definitely still alive and well. I think it helps to befriend moms with a mix of all of these– you can’t demean the “other” when you know a mom like that in person. We’re all just doing our best and trying to survive!

  13. I love this list! So true. Every mom seems to think they are an expert because of what worked or didn’t work with their own kid. We all have to figure out what’s best for US. I’m just happy we live in a time when so many options exist. I did use cloth diapers and breastfeed both kids, but I certainly don’t think I’m better than moms who don’t make those two choices. Honestly my reasoning is because I personally hate how disposable diapers smell and and I was too lazy to make bottles! LOL

  14. Kat says:

    People need to stop being so darn judgmental. I love that you stick to your guns. And seriously, who cute is she? I’m getting baby fever just looking at her pics.

  15. Pingback: The Fit Mom Controversy |

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