1. The following conversation about Halloween decorations on a neighbor’s house:
Me: Hey, is that tree decorated with Star Wars characters?
Me: Oh, never mind. I couldn’t see that skull looking one in the back very well and he kind of looked like Darth Vader. And that one in the front looks like Samuel L. Jackson. He was totally in Star Wars.
Him: What. The. Hell.
He’s mostly upset that I thought Jedis would be caught dead in black cloaks. Or maybe that I thought Darth Vader and SLJ could be in the same movie. He’s just lucky I didn’t start yelling about snakes on this mother humping plane.
And yes, we did see Snakes on a Plane in theaters.
2. We have a problem with political solicitors. They always show up when I’m pumping and trying to get the baby to nap. I used to shriek all kinds of inappropriate things down the stairs at them while he was politely shooing them away. However, we had Obama people show up again yesterday when I had just started pumping and he refused to answer the door because he’s sick of me screaming at them. The Romney dude showed up 20 minutes later and stole the Obama literature off of our door and also proceeded to wake up the baby. I’ve sworn off voting for any candidate who wakes up the baby, so I’m not really sure where that leaves me.
I hate living in a swing state.
As an aside, never write yourself in for local office. My stepdad does that all the time and once accidentally got himself elected. He’s my favorite.
3. I have gotten really bad about changing my clothes after spit-up. I went to the grocery store and ran in to my college mentor after 10 years. I knew I had spit-up all over my shoulder before I left, but I didn’t bother to change because I live in a small town in Ohio and no one we know lives around here. When I got home and expressed my embarrassment to my husband, he told me he’d thought about saying something, but thought I’d be mad. Yeah, sorry hon, your kid is a mini Linda Blair and I don’t own enough clothing to care.
4. We went to a fall festival yesterday and I made him wait forever so I could pet a llama. My obsession with llamas might be a bit extreme and I felt a little bit like a fangirl. I also tried to convince him that we needed a backyard goat, but he said no. Little does he know that Charlotte has a date with a lovely Nubian goat who lets babies sit on her back.
5. My dogs are alarmed by these giant inflatable cats in a neighbor’s yard. I laugh my butt off while the dogs act like morons and then eventually pee as close to the cats as they dare get. I’ve never heard Rufus make that noise before and he actually hid behind my legs the first time.
6. I let the dog bathe the baby way too regularly. She giggles nonstop when they get close. Today she laughed every time Delilah brought a toy for me to throw. The only problem is sometimes the toys get to close to Charlotte and she tries to jam them in her mouth. Gross.
7. Yesterday I came home from my run limping because I hurt my foot (again). I then proceeded to sprain my wrist and stab myself in the eye with my thumb. I look like an abuse victim thanks to the injuries and the bruises up and down my legs (I’ve been forgetting to take my thyroid medication, which makes me welt up if someone breathes too close). I really hope my child didn’t inherit my grace and coordination.