Reasons my husband is ashamed to be seen with me

1. The following conversation about Halloween decorations on a neighbor’s house:

Me: Hey, is that tree decorated with Star Wars characters?
Him: What?
Me: Oh, never mind.  I couldn’t see that skull looking one in the back very well and he kind of looked like Darth Vader.  And that one in the front looks like Samuel L. Jackson.  He was totally in Star Wars.
Him: What. The. Hell.

You are a moron.

He’s mostly upset that I thought Jedis would be caught dead in black cloaks.  Or maybe that I thought Darth Vader and SLJ could be in the same movie.  He’s just lucky I didn’t start yelling about snakes on this mother humping plane.

And yes, we did see Snakes on a Plane in theaters.

2.  We have a problem with political solicitors.  They always show up when I’m pumping and trying to get the baby to nap.  I used to shriek all kinds of inappropriate things down the stairs at them while he was politely shooing them away.  However, we had Obama people show up again yesterday when I had just started pumping and he refused to answer the door because he’s sick of me screaming at them.  The Romney dude showed up 20 minutes later and stole the Obama literature off of our door and also proceeded to wake up the baby.  I’ve sworn off voting for any candidate who wakes up the baby, so I’m not really sure where that leaves me.

Silly daddy, sleep is for people who don’t live in a swing state.  And yes, that is a dog’s ass on my pillow.  Jerk.

I hate living in a swing state.

As an aside, never write yourself in for local office.  My stepdad does that all the time and once accidentally got himself elected.  He’s my favorite.

3.  I have gotten really bad about changing my clothes after spit-up.  I went to the grocery store and ran in to my college mentor after 10 years.  I knew I had spit-up all over my shoulder before I left, but I didn’t bother to change because I live in a small town in Ohio and no one we know lives around here.  When I got home and expressed my embarrassment to my husband, he told me he’d thought about saying something, but thought I’d be mad.  Yeah, sorry hon, your kid is a mini Linda Blair and I don’t own enough clothing to care.

That’s pretty much what my kid looks like after eating peas.

4.  We went to a fall festival yesterday and I made him wait forever so I could pet a llama.  My obsession with llamas might be a bit extreme and I felt a little bit like a fangirl.  I also tried to convince him that we needed a backyard goat, but he said no.  Little does he know that Charlotte has a date with a lovely Nubian goat who lets babies sit on her back.

If I wasn’t so lazy, I’d photoshop little pink hearts all over this image.

I’m really hoping this kid wants to do 4-H. Unless we have to kill it after. Then maybe not.

 

5.  My dogs are alarmed by these giant inflatable cats in a neighbor’s yard.  I laugh my butt off while the dogs act like morons and then eventually pee as close to the cats as they dare get.  I’ve never heard Rufus make that noise before and he actually hid behind my legs the first time.

The big one turns its head, which makes Delilah absolutely lose her mind.

6.  I let the dog bathe the baby way too regularly.  She giggles nonstop when they get close.  Today she laughed every time Delilah brought a toy for me to throw.  The only problem is sometimes the toys get to close to Charlotte and she tries to jam them in her mouth.  Gross.

For the record, I am not thrusting her in to the puggle, I’m just helping her not fall over. Also, the iPhone camera blows.

7.  Yesterday I came home from my run limping because I hurt my foot (again).  I then proceeded to sprain my wrist and stab myself in the eye with my thumb.  I look like an abuse victim thanks to the injuries and the bruises up and down my legs (I’ve been forgetting to take my thyroid medication, which makes me welt up if someone breathes too close).  I really hope my child didn’t inherit my grace and coordination.

Advertisements

About Sarah S @RunningOnWords

Married 20-something in flux and trying to cope by running and occasionally crafting.
This entry was posted in Dogs, Leapster, Marriage, Parenting. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Reasons my husband is ashamed to be seen with me

  1. TriGirl says:

    Grace and coordination: this is why I can’t have children 🙂

  2. April says:

    I can just see me and your husband standing there shaking our heads at you and Ian cooing over llamas, goats, giant cats, and baby-licking dogs.

    Also, he has shared that stupid cat video with me 1-4 times a day since you posted it. It’s in his top five of all time greats. Thanks for that. 🙂

  3. Kara says:

    I don’t miss spit up. That stuff gets on everything. At least babies young enough to spit up still wear bibs. I miss having a kid who would actually wear a freaking bib. Little punk kid.

  4. Army Amy says:

    I’ve never had anyone political come to my door. I guess that’s what I get for living in Texas. Llamas are awesome! I fully support your efforts to get your hands on one. And I adore that last picture of Charlotte with your doggie. Too cute!*

  5. Terzah says:

    We live in a swing state too, but I think they only care about women here because what they do is call us and if it’s my husband who answers the first poll question (“Are you a woman or a man?”) they hang up on him. We’ve both learned to lie to these polls. We’re very patriotic.

    Everything about this post made me laugh. Good job. To me the funniest thing was the dogs peeing NEAR the giant cats–but not TOO near.

  6. We have political solicitors too. And they have my name too which really freaks me out. They need to save their time and paper because that’s all I get in the mail too.
    I would also enjoy a backyard goat. Or a front yard goat. I don’t want to be picky here.
    And yes, I saw Snakes on a Plane in the theatre too. Opening night.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s